* * limitations&maps of the self * *

Two days ago, I had my mind very gently blown when I came across this:

Limitations should not always be seen as negative constraints. They are the geography of our situation, and it is only right to take advantage of this.- Deng Ming-Dao 365 Tao

I have been, for the past month, using a self-help book called The Artist's Way.  It is an excellent book that helps you find your creative depths. I say "depths" to convey that it's not just a fluffy book about learning how to draw puppies realistically*. It's about finding that part of you that is creative and saying to it Hi. I respect you. Let's do this thing. ...and then actually doing this thing.

But this week, I hit a snag. Julia Cameron, a sweet but often bossy and just a tiny bit self-righteous lady, tells the reader just how many things you can get done in your life if you do not read for a week. You can, for instance: hang curtains, rearrange furniture, plant a garden, paint a shelf, cook, pay instead of procrastinate bills, go dancing.  As I read through that list, I think Well. Maybe she can do all those things. I'm pretty sure I can't.  She also makes a point of describing all the people who think that this chapter doesn't apply to them. Gulp. 

But on the same day as reading this, I ran across the above quote from Deng Ming-Dao. It made me think of why it is that I read. I have a schedule that I follow on a daily basis -- it changes from day to day, but is more or less the same. Let's say I want to work on a project. First, I figure out what the energy level of that project is. Translating Neruda poems? Low energy. I can have 30 minutes. Cleaning the kitchen? High energy. Only 10 allotted. Then I hem that project in with plenty of rest for my body and my mind. I read for 10 minutes after I've worked on my translations, and then decide if I want to continue for another 30. I read for 30 after working on the kitchen and decide if I can do another 10. Often, I make these decisions beforehand so that I don't fool myself in the moment with that sly Oh, I'm fine, I can keep going that is the origin point of every flare-up.

What do I do if I take out reading? Lay on the couch for several different 30 minute sessions? Fretting? Worrying? I already do two sessions of meditation and one session of relaxation (not to mention the multiple yoga and acupressure sessions) every day -- I spend a lot of time with my mind. Reading is a matter of pride. When I read, I am defining who I am. I am defining who I am by recognizing my limits and using them to my advantage. If I don't take moments to read, to take myself away from my pain, from my fatigue, then I lose. I lose myself in the myriad of things to do. I try to rearrange the furniture, to paint a shelf, to bake cupcakes, and I send my body into a tailspin.

My concession to Ms. Cameron is to take time off this week from social media and the internet. This is where my time gets lost. Truly, I love the ability to connect with people around the world, and adore the support for chronic illness in forums and blogs, but between Buzzfeed and reading an entire forum thread on a topic I know nothing about, I can lose three hours of my day.

I still feel just the tiniest bit guilty, like Julia is going to find out and shake her head at me. But I plan on holding my head up high, and paying attention to my own geography for once. Do yourselves a favor and take a few minutes this week to transform one of your perceived limitations into a healthy geographical boundary. How does it help you define you? Does your pain piss you off, or do you use it as a guide? Can you think of something that you can do in place of complaining for one day?

Okay, okay.

Let's be real here. We're not going to stop complaining. Um. We hurt. But, hey, maybe we can bite our collective tongues back for ten minutes and sketch a freakin' flower. Complaints may then resume. But with a freakin' flower to look at while we do it.

sorryidonthaveascanner

Happy new year, and happy mapping!


*There is nothing intrinsically wrong with drawing puppies realistically. If you can do this, I love you.

Fibro Days: Adventures + Learning to take it easy

I like to go on adventures. It's been awhile since I've wanted to do things, see things, be out in the world. I've been too sick. Both physically and rather spiritually as well. I've always loved to see new things, go places. It died out for awhile, but suddenly, it's back and I feel like a kid again!

John A Roebling Bridge over the Ohio River

We go to explore exciting places like Whole Foods and Joseph Beth Bookstore. Most recently, we made it down to the Ohio River on the riverfront in downtown Cincinnati. We took a walk across the bridge, wandered a block or two in Covington, KY, and walked back. We stopped for a break to sketch and get some frozen yogurt. I would have loved to stay out longer and explore the little gardens and fountains along the riverfront, but I knew that the walk across the bridge had already probably been too much for me. It's hard to keep adventures small, but also very satisfying to focus yourself on one or two things to really enjoy intently. We'll go back soon and see the gardens, maybe bring a picnic.

Riverfront Park

Even when we just branch out to different neighborhoods to find a store, it's an adventure because we make it one. It feels nice to have the negative and cynical fog lifted from my head. Whether it's the magic of Cincinnati itself, or the work I've been putting into my spiritual self...it doesn't matter. I'm happy to be happy again. To want to see things, even if I have to work hard for it.

We've taken our adventures down from once a week to once every other week because they do take a toll on my body. I've been greedy with them, worried that I'll stop wanting to see things if I stop going out. But I don't think that's the case. We're going to take this weekend off, but we'll be out and about again next weekend. I hear there's a Lush somewhere around here, and nothing makes me more excited than walking into a Lush**. Or maybe we'll take a picnic to the UC campus and hang around there. They do have a triceracopter:

It's just what it looks like.

The point is a) that I wanted to share the triceracopter and b) that it doesn't matter too much where we go. I like to get out, and it makes me feel stronger to know that I can do it, without it hurting me too much. It can be hard to go slow, but in the end, it's always worth it!





** While this might seem like an exaggeration, I have thought it through carefully and come to this conclusion: Only my birthday makes me more excited than walking into a Lush. Oh my god. My birthday at Lush?  Make it happen.