Fibro days: Slogging

I don't have the energy for a High Five for Friday. I can't even remember what I did this week, and the only pictures I've taken were of my hair, which I've finally managed to put up with hair sticks. It doesn't even look that good, but hey, I did it! Which leads to today's topic: Slogging.

You and me both, Kate.

I think my least favorite kind of fibro day is the one where you feel like you're pushing through jello to move. Sure, sure, the pain is bad and the cognitive difficulties are bad too, but this...this slogging really gets my goat. Today, as with yesterday, my issue is energy. Ever since coming down with a cold two weeks ago, I've had no energy. I feel, today, for the first time like I have no traces of cold virus left. But my body, I guess, still has to recover from all the effort of trying to make my immune system function. And it sucks.

Slogging, to me,  is when you have brain power, and you can think about all the things you want to do, but you cannot do them. Perhaps, if I was not being mindful of my body, I would go ahead and do these things, thinking that because I am not in a lot of pain, I am having a good day. Tomorrow, or the next day, I'd find myself in the midst of a massive flare-up, where low energy would be the least of my problems. I am, instead, being mindful. And it sucks.


When I'm feeling okay, I break things down into activities that are low-energy, medium-energy or high-energy. I try to time myself to only ten minutes at a time of high-energy activities (like cleaning the kitchen,  sewing, or taking a walk). Medium energy activities (drawing, writing letters/postcards, menu planning) get 20 minutes or so. Low energy activities (reading, knitting, watching tv) get 30-45 minutes. It's important to break even those up, so that I can adjust my posture, stretch a little, etc...

Most of these things are things that I enjoy. I look forward to them. And on days like today, every single one of them feels like a chore. Low-energy activities become medium-energy activities, and medium-energy activities become high-energy activities, and I can't even fathom the high-energy ones. Slogging days like today can break a person, make a person feel like absolutely nothing is possible. One right after the other can make you feel like you're stuck in this forever.

I did, technically, have my own photos for this post, but
photobucked flipped a biscuit this afternoon. Sorry.

I'm trying to get through my slogging days by going even slower than I usually do. It feels just the tiniest bit like torture, but hopefully my body will thank me for not pushing it before it was ready to go. And maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will involve just a little bit less slog, and a little bit more fun.

How do you slog?

High Five For Friday -- (not in person, though, strictly an internet high five, because I have a cold)

I really intended to do a post this week between Fridays. But then, I met this cold virus, and it really intended to lay me out.  Guess which one won? So, taking the lazy way out, I'm just linking up with Lauren again for another High Five for Friday.


1.

 I made this cowl to go along with my boot toppers. I couldn't find a pattern that I really like, so I made my own up. This rarely works, so I was very, very pleased when it turned out nice. No picture of me in it yet, as I currently look like death. It's really cute though, trust me. 

2. 

This is what my work station looked like (you can see the cowl about to be seamed up) at the beginning of this week. I was going to do a post on being productive and stuff. And then I got sick and only wanted to whine, snuffle, sneeze and cuddle under blankets.

3.

This blanket, in particular, saw most of the cuddling. Sitting next to the window with my feet up and writing in my journal has really helped me feel like a human being while sick. I'm fairly certain that these particular entries depicting my deep thoughts on saline spray will help in the decision to not publish all my of my diaries posthumously**.     This picture is what I see when I look down, the next is what I see when I look up!

**we all like to think it might happen, it's fine to just go ahead and admit it.

4.

Because you all need yet another picture of my windowsill. But seriously. I love this windowsill, and what resides on it is an excellent judge of my health -- both mental and physical. Here we see a classic line-up of tea (black tea with an absurd amount of honey, which is a little unusual since I've only been drinking herbal stuff for awhile now, but when the cold-infested body asks, I deliver), water, and my friendly little statue that was a gift from my dad. This statue supposedly watches over travelers, and I've put it in a glass dish that I stole took from my parents' house because I liked it as a reminder, and a bunch of rocks that I picked up from their backyard as well. This traditional set up usually has a book, but it is often a non-fiction book because I like to feel classy and smart in the mornings. Not this week. This week it's the sixth book in Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. This book is starting to wane in interest for me, but that's kind of perfect when I have the brain power of a nearly-dead squirrel. Also, my trusty saline spray. This stuff is magic.

5. 

Here is the first repeat (24 rows) of my new cabled sweater! It's hard to get a good picture of black cables when the sun refuses to shine, so you'll have to forgive my not-so-subtle photoediting skills. I had to start it twice to get it going right, but I've never started a sweater right on the first try before, so that's not particularly new. I've been slowly knitting away on this all week while watching The Supersizers Go... a BBC show in which two people go about eating food and wearing costumes from various periods of history in England. It's totally disgusting and absolutely worth watching. It's been an excellent gift in this time of sludging through minutes.

And there we go! Hopefully this weekend sees me into a new, more sinus-friendly, less throat-scratchy week!

Fibro Days: Freedom of Expression + High Five for Friday!

This semester, Jose is teaching what is essentially a freshman composition course at UC, and he has themed the whole course around the idea of freedom of expression. We talk so much about his course plan and activities in class, that I've been thinking about it on my own too. What does freedom of expression mean in terms of blogging?

Right now, I have several blog posts that I've started writing up, and then filed away. Some I didn't even bother to save. I haven't known what to post, or how.  I didn't exactly start blogging in order to blog about my chronic illness. I wanted to blog about my life, about being human - and part of that includes my fibromyalgia. It is so easy to be trapped by the blog equivalent of the five paragraph essay: a) introduce a point of contention in your life, b) describe how it affected you and c) turn it around fast with a realization or understanding from on high which suddenly made a&b acceptable. When it comes to freedom of expression, well, everyone can have a blog on any topic that they choose. But even though the topics and themes of blogs are virtually limitless, we do limit ourselves in terms of how we express ourselves. It isn't well-accepted to write a blog about how bad a day you're having -- unless you have that turn-around moment at the end. I don't really read the blogs of other people with chronic illness because it feels like I'm watching a Disney biopic of someone's life. The formula above makes life seem, ahem, rather formulaic, and not as rich. And some moments of sweetness and revelation are for me, and me alone. 

And so many of my blog posts go unpublished because I feel like a hypocrite, writing about how I've been having a tough time, and trying to find that nugget of sweetness within it. Here's the truth:  sometimes I can't find that nugget of sweetness.  Shocking, I know, but true. And neither can you. Not always. And that's okay.

I keep forgetting that it's okay to just post a picture and a sentence or two. This can convey the strength and the stress of living (with or without a chronic illness). I think that bloggers sometimes get caught up in the traps of writing a "proper" blog entry that we forget to express ourselves. I know that not everyone out there is always feeling as hopeful as they portray themselves. I think we need more of that honesty. Sometimes, I think our culture associates honesty with whining. It's true that there is a fine line between honestly expressing a struggle and simply whining about it -- but I think it can be learned with a bit of practice.


And even though I missed last Friday, I am super excited to rock another High Five for Friday link-up with Lauren!

1. I've been spinning again! That's right, taking some wool, doing something I don't fully understand with the spindle and...boom: yarn happens. Well. Sort of. This ball here is called a ball of "singles". I'll make a couple of those and twist them together and then yarn happens. One thing I can tell you about spinning with a spindle: everyone you know will text you all at once, and you can't do anything about it because the second you even think about turning your head towards your phone, the thread will snap and you will cry. True story.

2. I thought of this, made this, and then ate this. It is a prosciutto, tomato and chive pizza. And it is lovely.

3. I knitted me some boot toppers! They are those things that you slide around your calves so it looks like you're wearing legwarmers, but you can actually still fit your legs into your boots. I didn't know these existed until recently. As soon as I learned of them, I made them. They look pretty cute, but it's still very hot here, so I don't get to wear them yet :(

4. It's been overcast and exceedingly hot here, and I have been truly miserable. I don't connect grey skies with excessive heat, and it has had me all thrown off. Today the skies have finally cleared...and it has cooled down. I still don't claim to understand that, but I'll take it. This is the view from my favorite window in the apartment! Cardinals like to hang out across the street, and I love to watch them. There is a squirrel who spends his days in the acorn tree right at the window, and I've been watching him get fatter and fatter, and I love it.

5. Last but never least, is my Lily. Alas, she has not physically been a part of my week as she still lives in Oregon, but I've missed her little white paws and disdainful glares so very much these past few unpleasant days! Some feline condescending airs really go a long way towards getting over my fussiness and frustration. 

Happy expressing! 

Sewing Days: Taking a Necessary Break

I'm still in the process of learning to sew, so it's not an easy, natural thing to fit into my day. I have, since moving, made a laundry bag and sewn two (yes, two!) seams on the lining of a skirt that I had started in the spring. I've finally made peace with the fact that I won't be sewing much any time soon -- it doesn't fit into the sorts of healing days I've outlined for myself. I have hope that soon, as in within the next 6-8 months, I will be able to ease myself back into the learning process.

Part of why it doesn't fit in for me right now is because I'm at a bit of a loss. I have one project started, but it turned out to be too hard for me -- despite being labeled a "very easy" pattern. I might have been able to finish it if I'd stayed near my mom, who can help me worm my way through poorly worded pattern instructions. But on my own, I just don't know what they want me to do, and I don't have enough experience to work it out by myself. As a stubborn and prideful individual, I do so hate to admit that, but there it is. I have a handful of other "easy" patterns that I've collected over the mulitple $1 pattern sales at Jo-Ann, but I am quite afraid that they will prove to be just as difficult, just as poorly worded as the one I have stumping me right now. I've thought of taking a sewing class, but can't currently afford it -- either financially or energetically. I also don't, ahem, like people telling me what to do, and I like to move at my own pace. So the answer has turned into choosing nice patterns from indie pattern companies who have a reputation for excellent instructions. If I know what it is I am supposed to be doing, I can look up tutorials and figure out how to do it. The problem with my McCall's pattern is that I can't even tell what it is I'm supposed to be doing half of the time. Neither can someone as experienced as my mom...she just knows how to make a skirt or make a dress and ignores the pattern instructions entirely.

Since I can't share what I'm working on, I thought I'd share what I want to be working on. These are the patterns I'm coveting (I've only singled out the superbeginner ones, or this post would take days to read), and hope to purchase soon:

Everyone on the internet loves Colette, but while they do hail from the Pacific Northwest, their style is very Portland exclusive, and I am not a Portland girl, I am a jeans-and-hoody-and-sneakers Pacific Northwesterner. A few of their patterns do appeal to me, however:

The classic Ginger skirt:

I do love skirts, tights and boots, and this is just the right sort of skirt for fall, winter and spring. It's very similar to the Simplicity 1717 pattern that I have made, but there are tutorials for working through this, as well as good instructions. It would be nice to get a basic like this down pat.

The Juniper pants:

I rarely wear pants that aren't jeans, but I want to make jeans eventually and before doing that, I should probably learn how to make pants. And maybe I'll wear pants if they actually fit well!

I'm also quite obsessed with Sewaholic patterns, as any pear-shaped lady in their right minds should be. I don't think there is anything from her that I wouldn't make...even though most of it isn't my everyday style. The stuff is just that cute.

The Tofino Pants:

Look, these are not just pajama pants! I love that they accommodate for, well, those of us who need extra space in the back. My mom has made me pjs for a long time, and I always like them because they're adorable, but, um...they don't exactly cover me when I sit down, if you know what I mean. I have plans for adapting these into nice, functional and comfy pants to do qigong in. The idea being that I could go for meditative walks afterwards without necessarily having to change into "outside" pants. 

Minoru Jacket:

Technically this isn't a beginner's pattern. But I don't care. The Oregon girl in me is dying to have this. Whether it's useful or not in Ohio winters is really not important. It's useful to my heart.

I only recently learned about Named, but I've fallen in love immediately. It looks like the designer spent a lot of time looking at Pinterest and Forever 21 catalogues and is aware that ladies who sew aren't just into vintage, retro, or frumpy looks. It's refreshing. I don't look good in a lot of trendy stuff, but these three are easy for me to wear and just a little bit more exciting than a tee-shirt, but not enough to make me feel too fancy:

The Eliot Tailcoat Top, the Blair Batwing and the Laurie Striped Tee:

And finally, but certainly not least, I've just discovered the Jamie Christina collection. It's is California chic almost fine enough for Oregon wear! I kid, I kid. Only a little.  

I've never seen anything I want more than the Hi Lo Raglan pattern:

Anything that is jersey, slightly baggy, has a hood and covers my arms is top-notch stuff. 

This Hooded Scarf thing is a little odd, but wins me over:

As an Oregonian, even when I put on a pea coat, I still put on a hoodie underneath. It seems to be genetically encoded. I can't help it...even when the pea coat no longer fits, and I sweat like a pig, I still do it. This might make me feel safe while wearing a normal coat. 

And to top it off, and make my arms feel like they're wearing a hoodie too, these Dalliance Gloves will do nicely, peeking out from under my worrisome wool pea coat.

I am aching to get started on sewing my way through all of these, but patience must be found! Besides, I am starting on some new knitting projects soon that should take my mind off of sewing for a little while at least. More on that later!